Fat girl in a skinnier girl's body

It's hard taking whole body pictures of yourself, but here's an updated photo-waist is about 34 inches, hips about 39 inches.

People are starting to notice, especially, the ones who don't know me well enough to know what I've been doing for the last five months.  Except for the Starbuck's chicks who have noticed my absence.  People who are just meeting me, probably just see me as another overweight American, because I've still got a long ways to go.  But if they're perceptive, they  may notice some muscle definition and my stellar posture.

But I've encountered an interesting phenomenon that I really didn't think about.  Before, I had thought of myself as a skinny girl in a fat girl's body.  I would forget sometimes that I was as big as I was, until I looked in the mirror.  I've always been athletic and loved playing sports, but I've also always been big. I was the cute little chubby kid, and then the stout, curvy teenager and finally, the blubbery middle aged woman.  It didn't bother me until I noticed that my body didn't work the way it used to.  So I never thought being skinnier would bother me.

What I've noticed is that a lot of people who never paid me any attention are now starting to pay attention to me.  I find myself asking, "Who the hell is that guy looking at?"  I forget because I'm used to being looked over.  I'm not very comfortable with it.  But it's not just guys, women, too, like now I'm worthy to be talked to.  It really brings awareness to me how physical appearance really affects people's judgement of others.    I'm working really hard and I'm proud of what I've accomplished.  I just want everyone to succeed at their goals and be happy with themselves.

I know I've got to change my perception of myself.  But here's a warning to all those potential "new friends":  "Move along!"

Cruizin'

I was driving home, just now, from Salt Pond.  I passed this girl, I've seen her around before.  She obviously works at McDonald's because she is always wearing a uniform when I see her.  She inspires me.  She walks to work.  Not only does she walk to work, but her gait is not straight.  One of her legs always stays straight, while she swings the opposite arm.  I've seen her all over Hanapepe, but from where she was today, now I know her walk to work is about a mile and a half, and includes a pretty tough hill.  I came pretty close to offering her a ride, but I stopped myself.  I wouldn't want anyone to give me a ride, I'd have my earphones in and be cruizin', too.

I want Javy to walk, too.  No matter how he does it, I want him to do it.  Not necessarily because he wouldn't need his wheelchair anymore and his life would be easier.  No matter what, he'll always have mobility and access to most things.  Those days of being bedridden and in an institution are over, thank God.  No, I want him to cruize on his feet because I think that he would think it's fun.  I believe he'll get there one day, it  may be funky (in a good way) but he'll get there.

I made this video Sunday of Javy trying to stand up.  It's kind of hard to see because I was right beside him.  But the remarkable thing was that he was pulling himself up with his legs and not hold onto anything.  

Lesson 2 - Get Yourself a Plan

For Javy, planning is easy.  He sees what he wants, he moves forward.  Sometimes, things aren't going the way he wants.  He looks around the room, sees who is around.  From experience, he knows what methods will work to get what he wants.  If its grandma, he'll wheel himself over to her and make with the eyes, maybe he'll let out a little sweet whine.  Grandma says, "Oh, I know what you need, a cookie."  If it's me, he doesn't fool around-just goes straight to the fussing so the only thing I can do is stick a cookie in his mouth.  (He knows I'm dense)

So what's my plan?  First, what's my problem?  I'm overweight with a bum hip and fear the ocean.  Easy-Start with losing weight, that'll help my hip, then as I become stronger, I will feel more in control in the ocean.  Sounds like a game plan.  Anyway, it's what I'm going with.

I'm still in the phase one part of this plan.  Did I mention that I'm 54 pounds lighter (as of today, June 16th, 2012) than when I started this excellent adventure?  So I've had success.

At first, way back in January, honestly, I didn't really have any plan.  I just started bringing my lunch to work everyday and doing a little exercise when I could.  You see, I have a basic policy: I don't do anything that Javy can't do with me while he's home.  That means if anyone invites me to do something, I won't go unless Javy is at school or asleep or its an activity he can enjoy.   I don't waste my time or my money at a gym.  I don't date, I don't splurge on "me time" at spas.  Well, wait a minute, I do have "me time", it's called going to work.  That's my personal decision and I'm much happier with myself for making it.  I have done all those things in the past - wasted time away from Javy to spend with some guy, got my hair and nails did at some fancy salon.  Basically, for me, I couldn't relax and enjoy it.  I love every minute that I spend with Javy, well, maybe not so much when he's whiny and fussy, lol.

I wish I could describe to you, how depressed I was because I really couldn't see any hope.  I remember watching an episode of the Biggest Loser, thinking, yeah easy for them to lose all that weight at a resort with no family or real life distractions.  I was probably eating ice cream or drinking rum or a beer, my F-You attitude.  But I did, eventually, get on my knees because when the pitiful human brain can't summon any hope that means it can only come from someone much stronger than my pitiful human brain.

I was on a day shift at work when I first went into action so there was no going for long walks after work. I bought this mini-stepper at K-Mart, because something is always better than nothing when it comes to weight loss.  My first time, I could barely make it to two minutes, I was so out of shape.  Then one day at work, totally out of the blue, a co-worker noticed that I was eating somewhat healthy.  He mentioned an iphone app called "MyfitnessPal".  I downloaded it right there in the break room and I haven't stopped using it since.  I just log everything into it that I eat, you can even scan barcodes of products.  All I gotta do is just make sure that I eat the correct proportions.

And there you have it: A Plan.  I mean it's not rocket science, you eat less, you will lose weight.  But the key to my plan is my resolve and I really don't know where it is coming from.  It must be supernatural-it's stayed with me for 6 months.  Failure is not in my future plans, either.

But I don't want this to be a blog about weight loss.  It's about following your dreams, conquering something that has evaded you.  It's about learning to surf.  I'm about half way to my weight loss goal and I've already conquered so much more.   

The quandary of sleep

Sleeping is a pretty basic thing.  Everyone does it, no matter their abilities.  It's one thing that I never thought I'd have to worry about for Javy and it was a surprise to find out that I did need to worry about it.    And it's not really the sleeping part I have to worry about, Javy has no problems with the sleeping part, either.  The question is where does he sleep?

You see, he can sleep on a normal bed but there's always the risk that he'll fall off or climb off (which he does).  In the past, I've just put the mattresses on the floor.  That way if he falls off then it won't hurt too much.  But then there's the problem of getting him in and out of bed.  Javy weighs over 75 pounds and he's over four feet tall.  That is a recipe for a bad back.

So last fall, I thought I was being clever when I asked the Shriner's doctors for a prescription for a hospital bed.  I found out from the local medical store that insurance pays 80% of the cost for a hospital bed.  The sales rep took the prescription, got my insurance info and then she said she would call and let me know when everything was approved.  I walked out of the store, kind of puzzled... Don't I get to pick something out and let them know what we need.  I wasn't expecting an Ikea warehouse, or anything....   Maybe, at least, perusing through a catalogue.

Nevertheless, my optimism did not falter.  A few weeks later, Gammie's Homecare called and wanted to set a time up for delivery of the new hospital bed.  We were in transition ourselves so I asked if I could wait until we got set up in our new home.  Meanwhile, my mom convinced me to go back to the store and at least see what they would be delivering.  And yep, it was a basic hospital bed.  I told them that this would actually make it more dangerous for my son  because he would climb over the meager railings.  I told them that I was hoping for something that raised up and down for easier transitioning from bed to chair or floor but with more substantial railing.    Something like this: http://kayserbettenus.com/ida.html.  Nope, they didn't sell those.  I asked about getting some other kind of railings for the bed that they did supply.  Nope.  So I cancelled that order, no use going through all the trouble for something more dangerous.

I researched some of the pediatric beds and they actually do take insurance and even give step by step instructions for getting insurance to approve them.  I was really excited, I thought I could circumvent the system.  I called Javy's nurse and she readily agreed to help.  She called the company, but they don't sell directly to patients, it has to go through a medical supply store.  And guess what, Gammie's Homecare isn't one of them.  The nurse found a couple of companies on other islands that they would sell to, but these stores didn't come to Kauai.  (Javy has the greatest nurse because she did all this research on her own.)

So we were back to putting the mattresses on the floor and at least if he fell off, then he wouldn't fall too far.  But then the centipede incident occurred and I learned quickly not to put mattresses on the floor here.  I have two twin beds that came with the house.  I set them up side by side in my room and created this huge bed.  Javy began sleeping in my room, with the mattresses off the floor.

It finally occurred to me, what the heck, are children with special needs not entitled to a good nights rest or at least their mommies.  So I asked a couple of mommies of kids with limited mobility issues, who'd been at this for awhile.   My survey results were as follows:  Their children slept in the same beds as them.  It was kind of crushing because sleep is at least one thing that Javy can do on his own.

On the other hand, I actually found that I slept better with Javy next to me.  I was sleeping without worry, I didn't wake up at odd times in the night to check if he'd fallen off or been carried away by centipedes or changelings.  It was kind of nice.  However, the novelty soon faded as I began waking up to feet and a head in my back.  And I just wanted to be able to turn a light on and read before bed.  It's the little things, I know.

In the meantime, we began fixing up Javy's room.  I put rubber flooring down in his room, painted and sealed the room better.  I'm proud to report that Javy is now sleeping in his own room.  I put one of the twin beds in his room and he has not fallen off.  I still wake up every now and then to take a peak, but it's worth it.  He's independent.